I don't want to repaint without her

I’ll find my way back, but for now, I'm tired

A poem

I promise you one of these days I will regain my consciousness and come back to the real world, but for now… Let me suffer and whatever misery I've made out of a home.

Ignore me if I'm smiling in moments I should be in tears. If I'm dancing with my trauma, ignore me, she's a friend. If the storms in my eyes don’t die by bedtime ignore me, tomorrow’s coming for its belongings anyway. I promise you I'm fine, besides, the only person who could tell wholeheartedly without a doubt is gone.

In my home, I'm in a room on a dark shelf. I don't go inside this room because it is everything I try not to confront, and now I am sitting with all its things.

she’s finally falling, I should be breathing. She’s finally breaking, I should be happy. I'm finally asking myself “what's wrong with not being okay?”

and when I finally put down the facade, I’m being handed a brush and asked to repaint… but I don't want to now.

I’m sorry … but I just got here. I just got to a point in my life where fear feels like a roommate I can now ignore. I just got to a place where I was sure, And now I'm forced to start all over again and now I’m back in first grade and being asked “who am I” again, I am now back in the first place and Mom isn't here.

Hey, life… I've been trying to make lemonade with all the limes, I've been trying to “ just breathe” in the fire, I've been trying to just be and let life … I've been trying to go with the waves but I'm drowning. I've been trying but it feels like you've been hiding from me.

I need a break and I don't mean the one where you pause and then play or a 30-minute mental rehearsal of my upcoming “I'm okay”; I mean… can I go home?!

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